What I Can’t Say

“One day we won’t come out. We will just say we are in love and that will be all that matters.” -Unknown.

I’m a bisexual woman living in Australia and, unfortunately, same sex marriage hasn’t been legalized yet. I am only out to a small group of friends and they love and support me and I know for a fact that my parents and siblings would do the same when they find out. But here I am, in my closet filled with the darkness of fear. I’ve opened the door just an inch but I am not yet ready to fully come out.

But why?

If I know that I will be loved and if I know that I will be safe, then why am I not out already?

I have spent so many hours in the land of the daydreamer, constructing scenarios of how I will tell my parents that I love women just as much as I love men. I spend hours thinking of different ways to tell them and different ways that they will react. Then, this morning, I started thinking about the day that gay marriage will get legalized.

Maybe I’ll see it on the news one morning and call mum into the room to jump and squeal with her. Maybe she’ll see it on the news and call me into the room. Maybe I will wake up one day and have my whole family waiting in the lounge room for me. Maybe they’ll give me hugs and congratulate me. Maybe I will go to school and celebrate with my friends, both straight and LGBT. Maybe I will finally be out by the time that it happens.

But I probably won’t be.

Maybe I will see it on the news one morning while I’m drinking a coffee. Maybe I’ll run into my mothers room while she is getting ready. Maybe I will have the biggest smile on my face that will only fade away when I realize exactly what I can’t say. Maybe she’ll look at me weirdly and I’ll say something like, “I’ve got drama today,” as I try to throw her off my scent. Maybe I will go to school and while all of my friends are celebrating, I will be crying because I am unable to be proud as I say that I am so super gay.

Maybe one day this closet door will stop standing in the way of me and my happiness…but today is not that day…

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One thought on “What I Can’t Say

  1. D. Wallace Peach says:

    The legalization of gay marriage was a huge day of celebration here in the US. I’m not gay, but I was moved to tears, jumping and happy because love won over fear, and that’s a good thing. Life returned to normal for the country and the predicted apocalypse didn’t happen. Come out of that closet on your own terms, but know that there are tons of people out in the world who support you, because love is far more powerful than fear. 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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